The Problem With This Blog

So I'm currently laid up in bed/on the couch recovering from my 2nd foot surgery within the last 6 months (it was voluntary so don't worry your precious little hearts about it) and I'm realizing this is the perfect opportunity to start this and blog like bunnies in heat getting it on in the springtime. However, without any outside influence (work, going out to the bar, etc.) I find myself greatly lacking any material. This is partly to do with the fact that I'm a hardcore homebody and I'm actually with someone that I enjoy being home with (as opposed to having to escape from). The only time I have really had anything to reflect on was when a co-worker came over and discussed current issues at the office, really making me really excited to get back to work of course. Other than that, zippo, zilch, nada. I know you are probably wondering "Well what the hell is wrong with that? You don't have anything to gripe about? I WISH I had your problem!" I really don't have anything to be pissy about. Really.

This of course got me thinking about the work verses home conundrum. Why can't work be more like home? I'm not naive enough to think that work is supposed to be fun, however, it shouldn't be so unbearable that you want to rip out your own throat with a dull rusty hacksaw every morning before you go. It has been especially difficult for me because I've basically been my departments cheerleader (the buff masculine throw the chicks in the air and catch them while using a megaphone type, not the kind with pom-poms and short skirt) for the past two years, yes I know, how can the Negative Ninja be a happy upbeat person? I just blew everyone's mind at that thought. I love the smell of grey matter in the morning.

The Negative Ninja's Top 10 Ways to Not to Lose Your Soul at Work:

10. Take bathroom breaks. Sometimes it's the only way to keep from committing homicide. Go murder the toilet instead. Less nights in the rape cell with Bruno that way.

9. Have a quiet confidence in the fact that you are smarter than your customers. You just can't let them know. You are the expert. You just cannot tell them. Remember that when they are yelling at you can calling you a moron for screwing up for them not giving you the right information.

8. Don't take yourself to seriously. Make fun of yourself and the crappy situations you may find yourself in. Deal with them accordingly, but don't make it on on going issue. After, it's just work, not worth killing yourself over remember?

7. Have a life outside work. Once you leave the office, forget about work. Until you get the frantic phone call from your customer or your boss and you have to deal with them. Refer to point 9.

6. Watch Office Space at least once every 6 months. You cannot truly appreciate the genius of that movie until you have lived in Cubeville for a while.

5. Read Dilbert. Refer to point 6.

4. Have kids (Please note: The Negative Ninja does not condone kidnapping or simply having a kid, be it real or a theoretical, for tax reasons or so you can use this excuse). They give you a get out of work free excuse. Don't feel like coming to work? Call the boss to tell them your kid has come down with a 24 hour case of gonnaherpephyfalous and you have to stay home to give them chicken soup. DING! Free day off with no repercussions.

3. Have a smart phone. Use it when needed while at your desk to. Angry Birds or Facebooking is a very good 5 minute distraction.

2. Start smoking! You get free 10 minutes breaks whenever you want, no questions asked. "Oh, I just had to send an email!" SMOKE BREAK! "Oh, I just had to answer the phone!" SMOKE BREAK! "Oh, just because I want to and I'm giving a finger to all the non-smokers!" SMOKE BREAK!

And the number one way....

1. BE THE BOSS! This is the hardest one of all because as everyone knows, starting with a supervisor ranking the devil gets 10% your soul and a 20% bump every time you get promoted after. The only way to prevent this is to always stick to steps 10- 2. If you don't, Bruno awaits. Oh look! He brought friends tonight.


*The editor of this blog takes no blame or credit for what is posted here. The Negative Ninja is a angry, usually psychotic individual that has blackmailed the editor into posting his daily(ish) manifestos*

Puppies Suck

No this is not about fruit ninja, or a blog about being a ninja or anything related to ninjaing. If this bothers you, THEN GO READ SOMEONE ELSE'S BLOG!!!

*AHEM* Now that that's out of the way...let the grumpiness begin.

Puppies. They suck. I know, because I have one. Mine is currently all bundled up sleeping on my lap as I write this. I can hear you know "Oh that's so cute!!". Is it though? Sure it looks cute but the truth is her hair is getting all over the place, her puppy dander is all over me and unless you pay the 2 million dollars a month for flea medicine, you probably have those gross little bastards jumping all over you and drinking in your blood. Imagine if you will 2 fleas, laying out on a chair made of your hair and skin follicles, enjoying life. Oh listen! They are having a conversation!

Flea #1: Jolly good vintage ah what old chap?
Flea #2: For sure, my wife and 40,000 flea babies are loving it!
Flea #3: Have you guys seen the vacation package ol' Vern is offering? 6 day cruise to the best blood sucking venues this place has to offer! Can't wait!
Flea #4: Oh look! The jerk we are living on is attempting to wash us off with soap and shampoo.
Flea #1: Good thing flea medicine is up to 2 million a box now. We don't have to worry! Tally ho!


So puppies suck almost as bad as fleas. For the record, our puppy does not have fleas, we have paid the 2 million ransom for the medicine. Then there are all the doctors trips for shots, getting fixed, "oh the puppy threw up toilet paper, she needs to go to the puppy ER!!". Well maybe if she hadn't EATEN THE WHOLE ROLL IN THE FIRST PLACE WE WOULDN'T HAVE THIS PROBLEM!! It has gotten so ridiculous and expensive to even own a puppy that there is actually a hospital out there just for pets that even offer pet insurance. Re-read what I just typed. PET INSURANCE!!

Puppies are jerks as well. Ours will whimper and whine at the door. We of course think we have done such an awesome job or getting her trained,we took her to a class because for us real people in the real world there is not enough time to train our pets ourselves, we let her out, and she stands there. Looking around, half sniffing then comes back in expecting a treat. Why would you get a treat you little jerk?!? You didn't even do anything?!? It's 20 degrees outside and it's going to take 3 weeks for my balls to re-drop. Thanks allot you JERK!

I tried by best to keep this on PG since it's the first post. No guarantees any others will be though!